Children

You know your child best, the following are suggestions that may help, if they don’t fit your child, circumstance or don’t feel like the best choice, do what you know is best for them.

This section contains 3 video clips, Telling a child and their reaction, Coping and Grieving, and Some thoughts from a co-victim. There is a list of tips below as well as some recommended books and resources.

telling A Child & Their Reaction — Lindsay Wolf-Owczarek

When you speak with children about what has happened, you may find it helpful to include:

  • That the person has died.

    • Avoid phrases like "gone away," "passed on" or "left us" as they can be misinterpreted;

    • With younger children, explain 'death' as the body is no longer working (Hair does not grow; the body does not get hungry or too hot or cold).  

    • They died because something happened to their body

  • This is sad and that it is okay for them to ask questions about death - caregivers should be honest in answering any questions asked.

  • Tell them what to expect in the following days

    • Who will take care of them, etc.? 

    • Tell them when the funeral will take place.   Explain to them what a funeral is – what will happen, what they can expect.   If possible, children should be allowed to attend the funeral; however, they should not be forced to attend.   Ask them what they want to do.

    • Encourage them to say "goodbye" in their own way.   Perhaps writing a letter, drawing a picture, placing flowers on the grave, letting a balloon go into the sky etc.

  • Ask questions of them - "What are you feeling?", "What have you heard from your friends?", "What do you think happened?", etc.

  • Discuss rumors, media reports, etc., with the child so that s/he can clarify information regularly.

  • Discuss your feelings with the child, especially if you are crying.   This gives the child permission to cry too. Adults are children's role models, and it is good for children to see sadness and to share mutual feelings of sadness.

  • Children who are in adolescence may try to deny reality by suppressing their emotions.   Older adolescents become may be judgmental about others' behaviour and become cautious and suspicious.   Some may try to relieve the pain and gain control by trying to behave like an adult; others may regress to an earlier developmental stage.

Coping & grieving - children - Lindsay Wolf-Owczarek

I wish I could change…. - Somer

Community Resources & Books For Children

The following community resources offer bereavement support for children and teens. If you are not in the Edmonton area - we suggest using google for supports specific to your community.

Pilgrims Hospice Society https://pilgrimshospice.com/grief-services-children-teens

Alberta Health Services https://myhealth.alberta.ca/health/pages/conditions.aspx?hwid=aa122262

Our House Grief Support Centre https://www.ourhouse-grief.org/grief-pages/grieving-children/explaining-homicide-to-children

Grief Speaks http://www.griefspeaks.com/id82.html

The following books may be useful when helping a child to understand death, grief and in addressing some fears. They unfortunately are NOT homicide specific. Many of these books are available through the public library.

Coping with the Death of a Loved One by Eve Bunting 1999 When a sick boy dies, his friends and classmates remember him by building a schoolyard pond in his memory.

Are You Sad, Little Bear? A Book About Learning To Say Goodbye By Rachel Rivett 2009 Grandmother Bear has gone forever, and Little Bear is feeling sad. This charmingly illustrated book will help young children in times of bereavement, loss and change.

I hear a Noise By Diane Goode 1988 A little boy, hearing noises at his window at bedtime, calls for his mother. His worst fears are realized, but he learns that monsters have mothers too.

Missing Mummy By Rebecca Cobb 2011 This book deals with the loss of a parent from the child’s point of view and explores the many emotions a bereaved child may experience.

Samantha Jane’s Missing Smile: A Story About Coping With The Loss Of A Parent. By Julie Kaplow 2007 The story of a young girl whose father has recently died, and she deals with the full range of emotions, questions, and worries.

Sunshine: More Meditations for Children By Maureen Garth 1994 These innovative meditations are simple visualizations parents can read to their children to help them sleep, develop concentration, awaken creativity, and learn to quiet themselves.

The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: A Story for All Ages By Leo Buscaglia 1982 This wonderfully wise and strikingly simple story of a leaf named Freddie has become one of the most popular books of our times. How Freddie and his companion leaves change with the passing seasons, finally falling to the ground with a winters snow, is an inspiring story illustrating the delicate balance between life and death.

The Tree that Survived the Winter By Mary Fahy, Paulist 1989 The story of a tree that awakens one spring morning to discover that she has survived the winter, but with many changes in her being and appearance. Overcoming feelings of anger, fear and abandonment, the tree comes to appreciate the abundance she has been given and finds ways to share this mystery with others.

There’s a Nightmare in My Closet By Mercer Mayer Childhood fear of the dark and the resulting exercise in imaginative exaggeration are given that special Mercer Mayer treatment in this dryly humorous fantasy.

There’s Something in My Attic By Mercer Mayer A little girl with a lasso bravely prepares to confront the scary nightmare living in her attic.

When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death By Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown 1996. Explains in simple language the feelings people may have regarding the death of a loved one and the ways to honor the memory of someone who has died.

When Someone Very Special Dies, Children Can Learn to Cope with Grief By Marge Heegaard 1988 A practical format for allowing children to understand the concept of death and develop coping skills for life.